Fuck You Internet
It may have gone unnoticed as the weeks and months have peeled by, but this is to be my first addition to the BiccyBlog in some time.
I wish I could excuse my prolonged absence by recounting some intriguing adventure in distant lands. This would not be true. Nor have I been engaged in a deep introspective endeavour; tackling the grand existential questions and reconnecting with one’s ever-elusive inner child. This also would be a work of fiction as I still have yet to discover my spirit animal…
My lack of engagement has been down to something much more mundane – I just couldn’t be arsed! Pure and simple. But it’s not just this platform that has suffered neglect. Social media and other human interactions have been overlooked.
Whenever I consider sharing my thoughts with the wider world, I break out in hives. The pressure of having to paint oneself in the best possible light is unbearable and often seems insincere. Like a photoshopped selfie posted to social media in the hope of gaining superficial appraisal that obscures any meaningful connection beyond the purely cosmetic. I don’t seem to share the same willingness of an internet generation that willingly document their entire existence for scrutiny online.
This leaves me at a distinct disadvantage as a freelance illustrator who’s ability to survive hinges on shameless self-promotion and exposure. It is a conflict that has often caused me to want to vomit all over myself and crawl back into bed to forget real life for another day. It is an issue for which I have yet to figure a remedy.
A large factor in my lagging enthusiasm was the fact that it can often feel like shouting into a chasm of increasing isolation consolidated by a distinct lack of engagement. It is quite emotionally bruising and often feels as if I were not contributing anything of substance at all. Maybe I have lost sight of what the main goals of this blog were when I first started out. It was to provide a glimspe into my life and work so that others may gain an insight into my motivations as an Illustrator.
But as a reclusive by inclination, I find this quite stressful and intrusive. Every new post is a harrowing experience, running through several days of drafts and edits. Even this update has gone through the grinder a few times and taken on a completely different trajectory to which I had intended when first I sat down with my laptop. I had intended to discuss the integrity of one’s own inner monologue and how I often feel shackled by the thought of external scrutiny. How this can produce pressures that create an internal barrier to being truly expressive and also discuss some of the tools I have learned to counter these effects.
Conincidently as a self-forfilling prophecy, the process of writing this post has become an unintentional example of these self imposed obstructions.
At this point, I have not decided on the future direction of this blog but it still remains necessary to document my development as an Artist. I cannot commit to anything beyond ‘infrequent engagement’ as this helps to elevate the some of the pressures I put on myself to produce content, but I would urge anyone who may have found this blog of interest, to please bare with me. I appreciate the support.
Let’s see what the future holds…